How do I?

 How do I?

Another day walking by my work table. It looks just as I left it after completing my last big project. I plead the fifth on how long ago that was. Little plastic cups of beads, left open. The lids flattened by my footsteps or my little dogs’ teeth after making their way to the floor. Threads. Scissors. Needles of multiple varieties. This is the foundation layer of procrastination. 

Worked into the negative spaces are many exciting things. Parts of silk flowers and a few shiny trims picked up at a local shop’s clearance sale. They would be excellent on a small cloth figure, so they wait where I can see them until the idea matures into something tangible. 

I don’t feel well today, but honestly I don’t really feel “well” any day. There are varying days of not feeling well that range from “Ok, got through work and don’t have to get off my feet just yet” all the way to greeting my pups with an immediate “I have to go lay down” when I open my door after a day at school. Hapi, my seasoned african grey parrot, often says “I’m gonna go take a nap” when he sees me come in after school on those days. It must be the look on my face or my slow maneuvering through space that gives him a clue, but I always laugh when he says it and lets me know that He Knows. . 

Without getting too detailed and whiny, my state of “unwell” is connected to a stubborn rheumatoid arthritis with joint deformities, a lousy lower back traffic pattern, and autoimmune thyroid for good measure. Pain is always present somewhere, and it can be pretty uncomfortable. Joints and soft tissues throughout the body. I am prednisone dependent and know I’d be unable to work and support myself without it. Exhaustion is my partner in life, and between pain and tiredness, every day is a challenge. But that is what it is – a challenge. 

Seeing all the lovely colors, textures, and ideas that are roosting on my front art room table make my heart beat a little faster. If only I could just sit for a while and play…but something in my head reminds me that things might be twice as bad tomorrow if I don’t give The Lower Extremities (TLE) a break. I try to bring something to bed with me, such as a little stitchy thing, a sketchbook, or at worst, my phone for a Pinterest deep dive. I might engage in an online course to learn something new. This makes me salivate for my messy table, and the frustration builds. And builds. 

Add to it the endless pall of the gray New England fall and winter, and I most definitely slump. Day after day. Collecting and adding little bits and bobs to my work table like a magpie, then mentally beating myself up for not jumping in and using them, already! I read in the coaching books and books on creative practice the importance of ritual, and just showing up to do the work, and castigate myself for not being able to. I am relentless in my self-fighting. 

It is easier to just give up. And that is why I can't.

There are 101 ways artists can trick themselves into not working. Over the course of my life I have probably used them all. I know I have at least studied them through my reading and thirty-plus years of teaching art to others. What is teaching art but coaching the inner expression to come out? Some students are easily in the flow but don’t know what to do, others have ideas but are discouraged. Life can get in the way and it is sometimes hard to see a way forward without external perspective and a jump start of sorts. 

I found myself writing in my bullet book a while back and was surprised at the strategy that presented itself. What if, instead of framing my time by noting what I wanted to do, or thought I could do (so planned it), or wrote down what I thought I SHOULD do (even worse to someone with a highly variable health condition), I simply did the best I could each day and reflected on what I was able to do DESPITE the health barriers?

I am of Irish descent with a grandfather buried in the old sod. I have been told, quite rightly, that I am stubborn. It dawned on me that I could use this stubbornness to negate the physical misery and start accruing “I DID THAT” kinds of lists. Hmmm…is this a strategy? Instead of making lists upon lists of all the Big Things that need doing creatively and otherwise, and copying them from page to page with a growing sense of personal futility, I could keep loose track of moments where I was able to stay on the bull, redirect attention to something I thought was going to be too difficult to try, and let my  stubborn streak out to play. Just to slap the pain around a little and show it that it’s not the boss of me. 

Since starting this…ahem…system (?)...the pressure to Do All The Things has let up quite a bit. This thinking goes hand in hand with just accepting the way things are. Years ago I produced many. Many artworks every year. I sold them, showed them, and had the energy to follow the inspiration from one complex piece to the next. I wish I could go back to that place and time, but sadly I can’t. I am having a new creative adventure now. I can’t compare the thirty year old un-rheumy me to who I am now. My expectations have had to change, and over time. This is it, guys and gals. Peace of mind leads to better creating, and having the daily mindset to spite my physical condition seems to bring that on. I know, a little odd. But artists ARE odd, aren’t we? 

Living well is a mind game at the best of times. Living well as an artist is a mind game all the time. We all have challenges that keep us from doing what we want to, but just can’t seem to get to. The resistance to actually doing the work can be daunting, soul crushing, and ugly. It can reduce us to the place where we question our own artistic dedication and interest. Sadly though this is a normal part of being a creative, artistic being. The world would be an easier place if we all just stopped making magpie piles of interesting materials and just painted our home interiors gray. Or, just maybe, we can push back a bit and realize that it is okay to do so. 

I’m going to put on my tight fitting support gloves now, and work for a while on some cool “Good Juju” amulets I am making. I do not know what they are for, or how I will finish them. I know I love the way light flickers on the surface as the beads accumulate on top of shiny fabrics, and how the stitching adds movement between the beads. Ah, the soul is home for a while. And it is happy. Take that, extremities, take that! 

Cheers,

Amy